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September 7th, 2009
11:22 pm
Now I know why it was so complicated Denise. Now I know.
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August 26th, 2009
05:09 pm - Why don't you look at me when we are making love?
I just typed a whole journal entry.
I highlighted it, then pressed delete because I felt it was rambling.
.-less
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June 18th, 2009
01:46 am - Back in the habit...
Life...Life...what has been going on.
Think.
Come on, Christian. It has to be witty and interesting because why else would anyone want to even look at this, right? Surely there is something going on in your life that is mildly interesting to share.
Okay. Well, life has been pretty boring lately. Sorry to disappoint. It is the summer and things are supposed to be happening to everyone. The constant status updates on the weekend alone makes me want to hang myself with a phone cord out of sheer jealousy and, well let's be honest, annoyance.
"Erin is going to the beach with her girlfriends! Watch out Gulf Shores! Hope my outbreak stays in check. How embarssing!"
-or-
"Peggy Sue is sitting by the pool with the best husband in the world - well second best next to God. Hehe!"
I mean, come on. We know you just post them to make others jealous. If I had the pleasure of being off on weekends I can't say I wouldn't do the same. I actually would probably make a point TO DO something every weekend just so that I can post it on Facebook to make others jealous. And the weekends where I wasn't doing anything but watching re-runs of Matlock... I would lie.
"Christian is lounging on a yacht in Saint Martin next to a shirtless former Menudo band member."
Of course that would be embellished a bit for humor porpoises - or was it?
In other unrelated news, I have decided to take a hiatus from the gay bars. Good lord. For a while there I was a bar staple - similar to the ones holding the toilet seat on in the bathroom next to the cardboard Stella Artois case that is covering the tank (see: Christian's Mobile Uploads). Hey, at least it's Stella. Am I right?
But this money crunch has me struggling... and spending over $100 a week on alcohol is not the best remedy for that. And not to mention the side effects you experience the morning after - including, but not limited to, the apologies and awkward silences. So I have decided to save up all of my gay juices and ejaculate them on face of Southern Decadance in New Orleans on Labor Day weekend.
My vacation has been approved and I can't wait. I hope that the biggest fag hag of them all "Mother Nature" takes her meds and doesn't send another one of her cockblock hurricanes to ruin my good time. I mean it's bad enough to be gay, but to ruin a good queer man's holiday just ain't right. We only require a few weekends a year...it's not like a whole month or anything.
Anyway, enough rambling for the night.
Tomorrow I am off and hopefully will make it to some sort of pool area to cool off from this summer heat wave. My balls have taken up permanent residence on my thigh all summer and it's starting to get annoying.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ford/sydnicons/Sad.gif) bored
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June 2nd, 2009
December 13th, 2007
11:28 pm - So....
This isn't easy ElJay.
But I am sad to say that I will no longer be posting to you.
It has been fun, really it has...but I have a new blog now. He's sweet and has a lot of really cool options. I mean he has dreams and aspirations...
So, I guess this is goodbye. I will always love you.
Yours truly,
Christian
PS - I hope this isn't weird between us, I know we have the same friends and all and like if I would still like to see you. I will still keep you in my bookmarks - I just hope we can be civil about this.
So like, if any of my friends on here or your friends want to hang out with my new blog then tell them to myspace message me or whatever for the link. I would one day REALLY like you to meet my new blog...I think ya'll would totally get along.
Stay Sweet.
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December 6th, 2007
October 2nd, 2007
12:36 am
IS anyone else upset that this slut...
 is playing Jane Fonda's character in the new Barbarella re-make?
I am livid. The only reason the stupid bitch got the part was because she is Rodriguez's cum dumpster.
I mean for fuck's sake, why the hell is "Courtney Shayne" playing a gay icon?
God.
I am pissed.
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June 30th, 2007
06:43 pm - Sometimes I feel the need to jot these things down...
Every now and then a revelation or analogous situation will burrow its way through the broken synapses and dead cells within my brain and make its way to the forefront for you at home to witness firsthand.
Now, most of them do not have the distinction of making it to the internets due to the censors that also reside in my brain. The censors restrain these thoughts so that they do not escape and eventually ruin my reputation as a sane person. But every now and then, they slip through their scaly fingers. And I will now place before you something that will totally ruin your day and or make it oh so much....brighter. I am pretty sure it is the former, but here goes.
The number 2
and the word Afterbirth.
Think about it. Actually, I want you to grab a magazine, some Glade spray...then think about it.
I am an idiot.
You people should really re-consider your lives after reading the ridiculosity of my bloggings.
Current Music: North American Scum by LCD Soundsystem
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June 18th, 2007
01:35 pm - Disappointed Diary of Detrimental Debunked Disappointment....
Dear Bonaroo Concert Participants,
After what seems like a year of hearing about the damned thing, I have yet to see any benefits that have been reaped from going to Bonaroo. You have waved your $300 tickets in my face and incessantly boasted about the copius amount of illegal substances to be had, but yet after the festival has expired you STILL have yet to riddle Myspace with your E-Memories - the pictures of you bathing in the Mushroom fountains with 50 of your most sincere sweat hippies or super-blogs infused with Youtube videos of Lilly Allen or those pictures of those Asian guys that you met in that Opium den....I mean tent.
I am sincerely disgusted, yet surprisingly surprised at your actions. I expected more from you. Maybe you have not had the time to be on the intranets because you are still trying to wash all of the patchouli out of your 100% hemp tunics. Or maybe you are just now realizing that the festival is over because all of your unicorn friends have disappeared because you are just now coming down from taking an entire book of acid.
Whatever the case, I logged onto Myspace so that I could get my final taste of "Tennessee Nirvana" before I have to hear about it for another year, but no, you fuckers will not even allow me one day to glory in Bonaroo silence before you start up again with talking about plans for next year.
I wanted to see pictures of what I missed and read stories of what your best friend did with that old woman behind that bush for some 'shrooms. But you wouldn't even give me that.
I think you Bonaroo hippies are just God's way of making me seem like more of a loser on the internet than I actually am. And that is why I am abruptly ending this post. Not only do you make me jealous, sad, horny, and unsettled, but you also make me post bulletins about how much I want to read about your sans-loser lives.
I hate you Bonaroo participants.
Hate you.
Sincerely,
Your little sister
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May 14th, 2007
12:25 am - Miscellaneous Musings for Mediocre Mankind that May Memorize Many Alliterations......
If you haven't caught "Planet Earth" on Discovery you are totally missing out...
Anyway, this show completely has me in a ditch lately. I think my mind is going through a maturity phase or something that I can't quite put down on paper. But this show has taken me out of my confort zone and made me truly look at myself and the rest of humanity in a completely different perspecitive.
I mean if you truly look at the human species now, it is really quite ridiculous what our true priorities in life are and how much we will change our lives to meet the conveniences of everyday life that we think are necessities. Animals strive everyday just to be alive. They are completely self-sufficient and do not rely on currency and fitting into narrow social infrastructures. Other species do not endorse killing many of its own kind just because they do not meet social requirements...well, most of them.
Our species is living in a world that is 72% water - 139 million square miles of inhabitable hydrogen and oxygen bonds. And our species is killing thousands of ecosystems within the waters of this planet just so that we can fulfill minor conveniences. Our species will spend millions of dollars on a steel refinery that is pumping crude oil out of oceans just so that it can fill a 30-gallon gas tank on an SUV that in return pumps out carbons that will eventually eliminate the ozone layer. Well, I do not know that for sure, but who am I? A doctor.
Now, I know what you are thinking. "Oh god, that liberal hippy has gotten a whiff of that good 'ole dank known as "environmental propoganda." And I openly admit that these everyday conveniences that I rant about are complete staples in my life and would be very inconvenienced and thoroughly pissed off if any of these things were taken away from me. But has our society gotten so addicted to convenience that we are on the verge of destructing the very thing that is keeping our species thriving? Not only that, but will kill one another just so that we can continue to live a life without hassle or aggravation?
It just completely blows my mind that not a single one of us can look at one another as just another human being. That is all we are. Strip away all of the glitz and glamour of convenience and what do you have? You have a bi-pedal mammal that builds its whole life around not living it.
But at the same time, I start to realize how truly unique and gifted humans are. I mean look at this dynamic. I am able to communicate with someone who lives thousands of miles away on a device the recieves an invisible signal from a plastic device that transmits...well, all that other shit. But isn't that amazing that I am wearing something that used to be a plant and somehow we have learned that we can turn plants into paper that wipe our asses.
Wow, what a tangent. It is so tangent-licious that it could quite possibly be the best tangent-erine I have ever tasted.
I hope no one really reads this because people that actually have me on their friends list should be given an award of some kind. I mean truly. I don't even think anyone reads this anymore. But I will reward some people that may actually still read my livejournal with this excellent video from this show that I watched at my friend Brittney's house...from Vermillion Pleasure Night.
On another side note: What is it with people posing topless on Myspace? I will never truly understand the "true" meaning of this other than it being an egotistical tactic of a true undercover slut. And as we all know, undercover sluts truly have the worst "cover."
Well, since my computer has been fixed I have been a music downloading fiend and have soaken up all of the wireless broadband that my little cable modem can muster. Poor thing. But it has given me some excellent Fugees tunes. I love throwback Mp3's. I also love throwback t-shirts. I have decided that my new wardrobe will consist of nothing but jeans and 80s pop band t-shirts. And LOTS of bracelets. I have recently wanted to go on a bracelet shopping spree, but due to my lack of monetary I have yet to do such. I am really digging those religious icon bracelets. And I am also totally digging Cameos. Cameos are so pretty and have just now come to the realization that this post is really boring.
But I would like to think that posting like this is truly what livejournal is all about. It is all about just posting random ass shit and waking up the next day to comments about your rambling. But since I have no more TRUE livejournal friends I can expect to wake up to a world of disappointment....and morning wood.
Morning wood really does suck in the morning. You girls have no idea, but I would gladly accept a handful of morning woods versus a bleeding vagina. And by bleeding vagina, I mean the ones that bleed once a month and other things.
Man, you girls have a real tough time with your genetalia. Happy Mothers Day to that. You mothers truly are something to celebrate. Your vaginas bring to this world diversity and new beginnings - and over population you SLUTS.
Why is it that everything that I need in my life has the battery life of an obese running the Boston Marathon? I mean, my electronics have about the same amount of energy as Terri Shiavo on Xanax. Man, I totally shouldn't have said a Terri Shiavo joke. I mean what happened to her could totally happen to me.
Well, minus the anorexia that eventually led to her untim....no....very timely death. But isn't that always the case when we make out-of-context joke that we cover it up with "I shouldn't have said that." But you did. Your brain registered the thought and your mouth vomitted such idiocy. But see here on Livejournal you have something called "Freedom of the Press" and that is why you shouldn't say what you mean in public. You should just post it on an internet blog/post site and people will read how sorry you are about saying things that really didn't need apologies.
Global Warming, Slavery, Backstreet Boys, Denim Oxford shirts...now those are things that deserve apologies.
Look at him, he looks so content living in fashion sin.
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January 27th, 2007
11:20 am - Current U.S. situtation involving Iraq...
Chris and I were thinking about this the other day and I thought maybe more people felt this way...
We were thinking that maybe, now grasp this you crazy liberal kids, just maybe President Bush is a good guy. Now, I know with Cheney at his side that would be like saying Hitler and Stalin were good cooks - who is to say they weren't? But I strongly believe that if President Bush placed a different spin on our immigrant policies then I would have, at the very beginning, been whole-heartedly in support of his plans.
For example, what should have happened is that Bush should have said that his current radical and somewhat invasive procedures involving immigration was to protect America from an inevitable zombie attack. Bare with me. Stay with me. I know zombie attacks seem like something that Americans can just take for granted as science fiction hufflepuff, but I don't think Americans realize that a zombie infestation could happen at any moment. How are WE as Americans to be protected from being infected from the outside world?
I mean, we are the richest country in the nation SHOULDN'T we at least protect ourselves from an impending zombie attack? For example, the multi-million dollar fence that is supposed to keep illegal immigrants from crossing our borders and mooching off of our free healthcare, bulging Social Security, and overly generous Medicare; SHOULD have been built to protect us from a zombie attack - HAD zombies first originated outside the U.S. Surely, the initial zombie outbreak would not happen in the U.S. - hopefully.
Now, had Bush said that the fence that the government was building was built as a precautionary measure to protect the U.S. from an impending zombie attack, I would be in 100% support of it. And, if he had further stated that the fences would be 100 feet tall and be equipped with torch-guns and Agent Orange look-out towers (due to the fact that zombies hate fire and can eliminated fairly easily by fire) I would have cut him a check immediately.
Because once one zombie exists, then millions of zombies will exist. Just think, hundreds of thousands of people cross in and out of this country everyday - by plane, ship, banana crates, all kinds of ways. And what if ONE of them happened to be infected? And then that infected one attacked someone within the U.S. and then so on and so forth? Where would be go? What would we do? How would you prepare for this sort of thing?
I think this website (http://zombies.insertdisc.com/mattcordes/) will help you further understand and grasp the concept of how zombies are a serious matter and deserves your immediate attention.
P.S. - Stoned....
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January 21st, 2007
06:58 pm - Where's my big gulp?
I told him yes," the girl said, taking a seat beside me. "I said, 'You're goddamned right I'm having this fucking baby.' I said I'd have this stinking piece of shit whether he wanted to be the fucking daddy or not." She paused to wipe her snubbed nose with a kneesock she carried exclusively for this purpose.
"I said, 'I already took four years of this shit from Big T. and if you think I'm going to stand here and take any more you can bend down on your knobby knees and lick the hairs on my shit-scabbed asshole, motherfucker.' I told him, 'I'm through fucking around with a white-faced nigger too busy chasing bush pussy to get up off his fat fucking asshole and find his self a motherfucking job.' I let him have it, I really did.
"I said, 'Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out of your mama's tattered old pussy, grabbed hold of her milk-stained titties, and you ain't never looked back, motherfucker.' I said, 'If you don't want this baby, then I'll find some son of a bitch who does, someone who don't look at the world through the slit of his shit-blistered, faggoty-assed, worm-sized dick.' I said, 'This baby might be a bastard, but I can guaran-fucking-tee you it won't be half the bastard its daddy is, you motherfucking bastard you! You can suck the cream out of my granddaddy's withered old cum-stained cock before I'll ever, and I mean ever, let you look into this motherfucking baby's wrinkly-assed face, you stupid motherfucking shithead.' That's exactly what I told him because I don't give a shit anymore, I really don't."
Having shared this information with a complete stranger, the young woman proceeded to rummage through the pocketbook that rested upon her swollen belly. She pulled out a brush and scowled, gathering the captive hairs between her fingers and pitching them down onto the floor of the bus. "I said to him, I said, 'And another thing, dick stain, after this baby is born, I'm gonna take one look at its shit-covered face and if it looks anything like you, I'll have the doctor saw its fucking head off and use it for bait. I swear to God I will, and there's not a goddamned thing in the world you can do about it.' After all the stinking shit that bastard put me through, he had the nerve to ask what I was planning on naming the baby. Can you believe that shit? I can't. I said, 'I can't believe this shit, shithead.' I said, 'Motherfucker, I'll name it whatever the fuck I fucking want to name it.' I said, 'I got a good mind to call him Cecil Fucking Fuckwad, after his daddy, you jism-stained, cocksucking sack of stinking, steaming, blood-speckled shit."
She wiped a trace of spittle off her lips and settled back in her seat. the child kicked and shifted in the womb, and she responded, calling out in pain before batting her stomach with the flat end of the brush. "Motherfucker," she said, "you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and fucking give you something to fucking kick about."
Page 154 of Naked by David Sidaris.
I picture the woman resembling this...
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October 19th, 2006
02:59 am - A cat just saw me pee....
I hate it when you are peeing and an animal sees you. But not only sees you, but is very interested in what is occurring.
I mean, I think I can trust a cat. You know, because a cat can not to tell anyone the size of my penis or how sometimes I shake it three times and not twice. Oh, and cats also can't speak English - Heathcliff doesn't count.
However, I probably couldn't trust a horse with that kind of information about me. I could not share such an intimate moment with a horse for the sheer fact that a.) I don't want to be put to shame and b.) I don't want a horse whisperer to come up to the horse and gather black mailing information.
"How long was it? If it was 7 inches stomp three times. If it was less stomp once. Thatta boy."
/stoned.
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October 2nd, 2006
12:34 am - My name is Christian, and I am full of ideas.
Dear Mother Nature,
Hello, my name is Christian and I have been an admirer of your work over the past 20 years. The comedic genius and ingenius irony behind your work in Hurricane Katrina was something truly ripped from the heavens. It was almost as if God glanced upon the eye of Katrina and whispered softly into her ear, "You are my most glorious creation."
And then Katrina proceeded to draw the curtain to debut a corporation controlled marionette of a democracy - oh yeah, and she further proved that when you are starving and covering your dead neighbors with bedsheets its best to pack a brush for that nest on top of your head. God forbid Anderson Cooper see you on television two days before your wash-and-set at Thrifty Cuts.
Anyway, the reason I am writing you Ms. Nature is because I would like to issue you a cease and desist plea to cease...and desist this recent fickle change in temperature. It is really starting to grind my gears. Mobile is infamous for its weather, seeing as how Mobile is centrally located on the pyramid belt of Hell - we get our share of scorching temperatures.
So, Ms. Nature I beg of you. Keep the fucking weather at a decent range instead of polarizing the humidity and fluctuating the temperature so much that my brain is trying to escape through my tear ducts.
I know that you being a woman means that you have those "times of the month" but honestly, you should only have three of those every year - Summer, Fall, and Christmas. But that leaves no excuse for you to take your female frustrations out on the fellow creatures of this planet and more importantly, take them out on Thermasilk Heat Activated Shampoo and Sleek and Shine Gel users. A mature supreme ruler of Earth's atmosphere would rule nature with an iron sweaty palm, you know, the one's you would get at church when the pastor would say, "Let's say Good Morning to everyone." And then you would have to get up and shake the hand of a former high school classmate who you saw french kiss your neighbor's dog when they were drunk at a "Dress to be Fucked" party. And then your mom would issue out those infamous "church hugs" - you know, the ones from the side that are very much impersonal.
Yeah, like that.
Oh, and another thing. Send El Nino over to 'ole France's way. They could use a swift kick in the pants. Because no one likes the French - even Spanish weather systems.
Thank you...God Bless,
Christian Stapleton
P.S. - If you could give God a message for me. Tell him to please get rid of "House of Carters" on E! Television. Those Carter kids deserve to have their genitals devoured by demons from the seventh layer of hell - and not get paid for it.
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May 12th, 2006
02:11 pm - OT - Has anyone seen how the paparazzi treat Gwen? This is horrible - OT
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-cut"text">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <lj-cut"text">OT </lj-cut>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhsf8ayHVxM&search=Gwen%20Stefani</lj-cut>
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February 1st, 2006
12:32 pm - Oh my god!
How
ridiculously
awesome
is
my
new
livejournal
icon?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ford/sydnicons/Sleepy.gif) sleepy
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October 21st, 2005
03:23 pm - .|l || ACCESS DENIED || l|.
Your access to this journal has been vehemently DENIED. To access this journal you must first submit a request per the comment link located at the bottom right of this entry. Upon submission, please wait 3 - 5 business days before your access approval.
Thank you
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